After Grad: Living with Family, Now as a Young Adult

Adolescence is a time of many transitions, and one of the biggest is the shift from a “vertical” relationship with parents to a more “horizontal” relationship, where we’re recognized as equal adults. This transition can be particularly difficult when we’re young adults living with our parents—the situation for more than half of people between 18 and 29 since the beginning of the COVID pandemic (close to half were doing so even before COVD hit).

CDA’s Digital Communications Intern Allyson Nesmith explains how this renegotiation of family roles and responsibilities can be handled in ways that end up preparing us for healthy relationships throughout our lives.

They say that college is the fastest four years of your life, and as someone who graduated two weeks ago, I can confirm that’s the truth. Life has been a whirlwind ever since, and I have now moved back in with my dad until further notice.

On the one hand, moving back home is comforting! There is an overwhelming sense of familiarity within my environment, and I am reunited with my family who I have grown very close to. That being said, things are inevitably different now. How do I navigate being an “adult” while still living with my dad?

Well, in making this transition I have learned a lot already, including the importance of recognizing how schedules have changed. The reality is that my schedule is not the same as it was before college, or even last year. I have adult responsibilities now that I didn’t have before, and as a result, I am unable to do things on a moment’s notice (i.e. run a random errand) or hang out with my family as often, even though it is summertime and I am physically at home all day. I am simultaneously having to reorganize and unpack all of my things from school, get adjusted to working, and start determining what I am going to do next, all of which takes a lot of time. On the flip side, however, it is just as important for me to recognize that their schedules have changed as well, and to make sure that I am as understanding and willing to adapt as they are.

Another thing I have learned is how important it is to discuss boundaries and expectations when moving back home. Right off the bat, my dad told me what he expected from me in a way that was very clear and direct. I discussed my own boundaries and expectations from him as well. For example, I am fortunate enough to have my own bedroom at my father’s house, and that is typically where I take meetings and important phone calls. I always give my family a heads up as to when I have these meetings so that they know in advance when I will be unavailable, and when to stay out of my room. I also let my family know that keeping the upstairs (where my room is located) quiet is preferred, and that I am very appreciative of their understanding. Thankfully enough, I have already noticed the ways in which they do their best to keep the upstairs quiet, and seeing their effort makes me feel respected and listened to. It’s all I could ever ask for!

In addition to communicating my boundaries and expectations, I find ways that I can help out around the house, such as pitching in on chores again, helping out with errands when I am free, and offering to pay for things I can personally afford, such as dinner for my family from time to time. I highly suggest this to other people who are moving back in with someone as well, as it shows that you are willing to give back to those who are letting you back into their home and asserts your role as another contributing adult in the house. If financially pitching in is not something that is readily available as an option to you, there are plenty of other ways to contribute. You could offer to help with chores or other personal responsibilities, and / or offer to babysit a little one who may be living there, just to name a few examples. With a little bit of creativity, the possibilities for helping are endless!

One last thing that I have found important to remember throughout this transition is that your personal goals and preferences may not align with those of other family members, and that is okay. For instance, my family members differ when it comes to dietary preferences, so we work to find a compromise when it comes to scenarios like family meals. My younger brother does not eat red meat, but he also does not expect my entire family to eat the same way whenever he’s in town. As a compromise, my dad provides a variety of options whenever he makes family dinner, to ensure that everyone can maintain their personal goals and preferences under the same roof. By observing these interactions, I can see the ways in which compromising when finding a solution ultimately works to create an environment of respect and thoughtfulness for one another.

At the end of the day, I know that communication is ultimately key in my transition to living back at home. Not only is it an adjustment for me, but it is an adjustment for the rest of my family as well. Through talking with my dad and watching how he interacts with the rest of my family, I am able to witness firsthand the ways in which communication and compromise create an environment for my family to comfortably coexist with one another. Here’s to an interesting summer!